Busy, Not Busy
Busy! That is the one word I hear most often when I ask someone how they are. It is the response I usually uttered when I was on the receiving end of that question, until I really thought about it. When did busy become the expected and acceptable answer? Is busy what we desire to be or what we think society values? Or is busy a code word for overwhelmed and I don't want to talk about it? Is busy meant to be a neutral word, that really means I'm moving so fast I don't know how I am?
Moving at lightning speed, doing all the things, surviving our days instead of living them - this is the common experience of most modern day working mommas I know. Making sure everyone stays alive, multi-tasking all day as you straddle the worlds of family and work, shuttling your people to a seemingly endless list of appointments and activities, volunteering your time because you were asked, keeping food in the fridge and the house just this side of dirty...no wonder the answer is busy and we are falling into bed at night in our messy bun and yoga pants!
Have we bought into the myth that being busy somehow equals happiness and success? If happiness is the goal and the definition of success should be your own, not something society dictates, is busy what you really want to be? I know for sure that the type of busy I'm talking about stole happiness from me and did not feel at all like success. I wanted to slow down the pace. I didn't want busy to be my answer anymore, so I needed to figure out how to rein in the crazy. To make a switch from days bogged down with tasks and have-tos, to ones filled with joy and want-tos.
I love a paper calendar, colored pens, and highlighting appointments and tasks as they are completed. However, when there are so many things on the calendar that items are more likely to get moved to the next day rather than being marked done, we have a problem! I took a serious look at what was on the pages for the weeks ahead. Things that felt like "busy" and provided me no sense of happiness got crossed off, one by one. The more I scratched off, the more I craved a calendar with open space - representing the freedom to do things that feed my soul and make me a better version of myself, being in a better place to care for my people and create the legacy I wish to leave. Time for personal development, creativity, rejuvenation, and spontaneity.
Keeping the calendar clean requires consistent monitoring, but I do it gladly because the payoff is high. Some commitments are harder to slash than others. There are the ones that unfortunately are not optional - like doctors, dentists, and the DMV. After-hours work events need to rank high on fun or impact to make my cut. Parent involvement in kids activities is absolutely loaded with the judgement and expectations of others, but I have made the choice that works for us and encourage others to do the same. We limit the number of activities they do in any given season, I won't stay to watch practices and don't feel guilty if both parents can't be at every event. My kids never doubt they are my first priority and have my full support, but these are their activities, not mine. I can donate snacks and supplies, but signing up for time commitments is unlikely. I am grateful for those who have the capacity to donate their time, but I don't feel bad that I have dialed it back. We have gotten better at carpooling and I am not above giving an older high-schooler gas money to take my kid along for the ride. Our kids are only home with us for a handful of precious years, but we don't have to sacrifice ourselves trying to do it all for everyone else. It is important for my kids to see me setting boundaries for myself and our family when it comes to outside influences and then sticking to them.
Evenings during the week need to be balanced between restful nights at home and meaningful events in order for me to feel at peace. When the nights get too full, I have less capacity to deal with what really matters. Sometimes, I still get carried away with the length of my task list. I feel my anxiety level rising and then swoop in with a sharpie to edit it down. If there is not a negative consequence tied to crossing off the task, it is gone. Weekends are purposefully kept more free-form, which sometimes means I'm not very productive - I have become okay with that, too. Who said that weekends were supposed to be productive, anyway? Fun plans in the near future with family and friends, vacations booked and self-care written in ink bring energy and excited anticipation. We all know the unexpected happens and real life sometimes jacks up my almost perfect blend. However, when you're coming from a space of an intentionally slowed-down existence, the bumps in the road are a little easier to absorb.
When someone asks me how I am, I want my answer to be words like happy, fulfilled or at peace. Actively pursuing a life that makes this new answer my go-to has been marked as high priority. We don't have to duplicate the frenzied schedules of so many. The next time I see you, I'd love to ask you how you are and hear your version of "not busy"!