She Turned and Ran
Two months later...not physically closer to my dream life, but mental progress has been made. Sometimes you have to be still and spend time in process mode. That's where I've been living. The day after I wrote my first blog, I saw something on my way to work. I knew instantly that I was going to write about it, but it has taken this long for me to wrap my head around what it represented.
I noticed a lone cow; standing in a sunny field - head down, minding her own business, enjoying munching on the grass. The rest of the herd was moving away, obviously on a mission, and they were leaving her behind. Suddenly, the cow realized they were gone and she went into panic mode. She turned and ran to catch up with the group, going from relaxed and happy to stressed and fearful in the blink of an eye.
I grew up spending time on my grandparent's farm. I am certain I have seen cows run before, but for some reason this time it made a lasting impression. It made me laugh out loud, the sight of this creature bolting ungracefully and then...it made me very sad. I knew that it was borderline crazy to project my feelings onto a cow, but much of what I had been struggling with was represented in that momentary scene in the field.
To be content, absorbed in the joy of the moment, relishing in the good things life has to offer - that is where I want to be spending my time. Like that cow was. Instead, I am almost always chasing something. Like that cow did. Whether its the tasks I need to cross off the to do list to keep my family afloat, the meetings at the office that generate more work, the elusive 8 hours of sleep per night, the bustle of the kids activities, the feel good of the volunteer gigs, balancing our finances or my health and sanity...always running to catch up and never really feeling like I accomplish anything. Super responsible, exhausted and melancholy. No time set aside to focus on my own goals, expectations and action plan because all of my time is spent executing some other agenda. Craving precious time alone, but being carried along in a wave of activity that constantly pulls me into the group.
The same day I saw the cow running, I started my Masters program. A grad degree was something I had always thought I wanted, but I couldn't tell you why. Now I know. In my chaotic life of running a race without a finish line, I wanted that sense of completion and accomplishment. A project I could wrap up in a pretty bow and say "done". A goal reached, with the added benefit of stolen time just for myself. The only problem with that plan was that it was one more thing to chase and I had chosen a very big, very fast thing.
Less than two weeks into my first online class, I was miserable. I was losing sleep and ignoring my children just to keep up. It didn't take long to see the cracks starting to appear in my carefully crafted world. What I thought the experience would be and what it was were very different. There was no joy in the process for me, only the longing to be doing something else with my time. It didn't feel right or like a thing I wanted anymore. Somewhere along the line, I got the message it was what I needed to get ahead. Ahead of what? Instead of doing my school work one night, I typed a Facebook post spilling my guts to my people. By the end of the post I knew my next step and my people gave me the gentle shove I needed to change course. I withdrew from class and the Masters program before hitting the pillow and felt an instant sense of relief. Lesson learned, no regrets...a Master's degree is not something I need. It will not get me closer to the life I want to be living.
It took me a few weeks to recover from that false start, but things are so much clearer now. I've taken a few unnecessary things off my plate, and continue to look for more areas to cut. I've read more books and listened to more podcasts by people I admire, people who preach that you have to take your oxygen first. Genuine, imperfect others who are not afraid to shout the truth and live an authentic life. Those who speak to my soul and remind me I don't need anyone's permission to slow down, simplify, redirect, and redefine my life. Their words are my beacons, as I am reminded that I don't owe anyone an apology or an explanation as I reclaim the life that was always meant to be mine.
Today I am busting out the calendar and scheduling time to be by myself, head down, focusing on my next right thing. I'm on a journey to rip up the to do list, one step at a time, closer to a life where I am not chasing anything.
Let the herd move on...she turned and ran - in the opposite direction.