It’s Time for Bigger Pants
I have another birthday this week and have come to the realization that it's time to turn the page in my life to the next chapter. I didn't just wake up and decide this today. It's been a slow awakening, a realization that most of the time I feel like I am simply going through the motions. Always doing what I have to or am expected to, and pretty much never doing what I truly want to. Driven by carefully scheduled hours, days, and weeks. Other people's agendas. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I hear other women alluding to it often, but for some reason it is not okay to say it out loud. To admit that, despite being grateful for all that I have and all that I have been given...it's not enough. Let me be clear right up front. I deeply love my people. I do not for one second wish for a different path to get where I am today, for that path brought me each of them and many wonderful memories together. I do not resent them or the responsibilities I have to care for them. This is not about them, it's about me. It is an elemental shift in my focus inward, but it is not me running away from the life I already have with the very ones who believe in me most!
I've not been content for most of my adult life. There have been seasons of contentment, but many more seasons of wishing for a deeper meaning. Feeling like this can't be all there is. There are several areas of my life that just don't seem to fit right now - like a pair of pants that are too tight, causing constriction and discomfort. Distracting me from the things that are truly important to my wholeness. Making me uncomfortable to the point that I am unwilling to settle anymore. It's time for bigger pants!
I find myself dreaming of taking off to beaches unknown in one of those adorable little vintage glamping vans and living with no demands on my time, no schedule and no "have to". Of long days stretched out ahead - hours to walk the beach, have deep discussions, read, write, craft, cook, enjoy the sunset, and sleep as long as is necessary. Dreams of joy, peace and tons of laughter. A simpler life, a life more in tune with my soul. A life that fits, a life where I fit, a life that fulfills that need to leave a legacy - a life of deeper meaning.
I read books and listen to the podcasts of women authors I admire; about creativity, living an authentic life of integrity, being brutally honest about who you are and think "if only". If only I could find the time, if only I had the resources, if only I would stop making excuses.
So that's the dream, but my reality is that I am a full-time married working mom of three. We moved my oldest to college this week, leaving one in high school and one in middle school at home. They are amazing people and of them, I am most proud! I start grad school tomorrow and am a little scared of it. It's something I've wanted to do for my entire adult life, but I'm not sure why. I have a good job, with fair pay, ample benefits, nice people and Mon-Fri 8-5 hours. It is a necessity and it requires more of me than I have to give some days. I've been married for almost 20 years and I can definitely say marriage is hard work. I give back to my community and volunteer my time.
It's painfully obvious to me that the dream and the reality are world's apart. I know that is what has paralyzed me, stopping me from pursuing even parts of that dream within the reality I live right now. When I look to the horizon, I see my youngest leaving home in five short years. I know the physical possibilities change when that happens. I fully realize the dream may be a different one by then.
Where do I want to be when that time comes? I hope I have made some progress on this front. I am left wondering what can I do now to live a life more closely aligned with who I am and what feeds my soul. What changes will allow me to feel more alive, to create, to breathe? It starts with this blog, taking time to write. Putting my thoughts down on paper. Maybe sharing them with the world, with other women feeling like me. It's time for bigger pants!