Riding the Waves
Getting through the holiday weekend, knowing my husband would be served divorce papers sometime in the coming days, found me riding an uneasy wave of conflicting emotions. Resignation mixed with relief. Fear crossed with freedom. Sadness intermingled with surety. Sometimes life delivers you a dilemma that, despite your exhaustive efforts, cannot be resolved in a less than final way. Pivoting away from life as you know it is complicated and comes at a cost, but I had made a promise to myself and I was following through this time. Courage helped me do it scared.
Being a very practical person, preparations had been made to ensure we would all be okay during the transition. I grew (even more) fiercely protective as we processed our new reality and kept the support circle small out of sheer necessity. Rehashing all the details repetitively and publicly was not on my agenda, nor is that my style. Boundary lines had to be drawn, as some outside our four walls selfishly looked to me to carry their grief. (I knew I had no obligation to explain myself, but executing that was challenging at best.) I learned to let go of outcomes I am not personally responsible for and to re-frame what some would view as a failure.
The sun continued to rise and set, while healing took place in a less predictable pattern. Tears fell, both happy and sad, as memories came crashing in. Reassurance was found in flashes of absolute clarity. Frustration turned to smiles over small figured-it-out victories. (Over drinks we can discuss the dogs escaping during a storm and the maggots in the trash bins during Week 1 of single life!) Loneliness was eased as our people stepped into the gaps at precisely the right time. Navigating the landscape of family traditions necessitated the old standbys morphing into new rituals and learning what not to try to replicate going forward. The ebb and flow of our different, but still blessed, life became more familiar.
A year out from that holiday weekend of angst, after wading through a bundle of big feelings and traversing miles of uncharted territory, I am stronger, more joyful and at peace. Occasionally, there are still twinges of disappointment over a planned upon future that will never be. (Cue all the Happy Anniversary posts on social media - a current trigger for me.) What there is none of, is regret. I celebrate our family in it's new form and cherish the happy times from that chapter of my life. More than anything, I cannot wait to live all of the unknown beauty that lies in front of me!