My Untold Story
Do I buy a new pack of undies for my shortie or use that money toward groceries for the week? The decision was clear, but delivering the news to my then 6th grader was heartbreaking. There is some pride in not having holes in your chonies, right? As a mom, I have never felt more defeated.
Memories of those really lean times have come flooding back to me lately. The pandemic we are currently living through has caused financial devastation for so many. My heart aches for those families facing harsh realities and really tough decisions, because I remember the pain of being there so vividly. It’s hard to imagine the embarrassment, the hopelessness and the frustration - until you’ve lived it.
I process really hard things mostly on my own, sharing the live details with a tiny circle of trusted souls. When I have come out on the other side, feeling healed and that I have learned whatever lessons each hardship was meant to teach me - only then do I decide if I want to share with a wider audience. I truly believe when we share our stories, we may be helping others find their way through a similar trial. Making ourselves vulnerable can be a gift to another seeking solace, insight or perspective on what is breaking their heart and worrying them sick. I have never publicly shared this story, but am feeling called to now.
Once upon a time, we decided to move south for better opportunities, lower cost of living, warmer weather and a slower pace of life. I had a carefully plotted out relocation execution plan, that included purchasing a lovely new house - after the speedy sale of our current home. Que the villain in this story - the Housing Bubble Burst of 2009. You can Google what happened to the housing market back then, but for us it looked like $90,000 worth of equity gone seemingly overnight, right when we needed to sell our home. What a gut punch!
Despite having good jobs, but like most American families, we didn’t have the bandwidth to absorb a hit like that. I won’t bore you with all the ugly details, but after 5 months of having a house on the market that we couldn’t afford to sell or rent out and also paying to live in our new location, we were financially tapped out. Savings was gone, credit cards were maxed, we had borrowed from family - and my stress level was beyond dangerous. The sleepless nights, the tears, the shame, the number crunching that always proved we were now on the wrong side of zero…feeling like there was no good way out. And then someone I love and trust told me it was time to walk away.
I was not that person. I didn’t cave when things got hard, go back on my promises or retreat when the obstacles seemed insurmountable. I always met my obligations, found a way to make it work, and no matter how overwhelming the circumstances - I didn’t quit. Even considering the suggestion gave me hives. But what if throwing in the towel is actually the smartest move? What if starting over is the answer? What if choosing to walk away would be saving myself and my family?
I knew people would judge, but I have always believed that is their issue not mine. It doesn’t mean I didn’t keep it quiet to protect my heart. I knew there would be repercussions for years, but also that I was fully capable of navigating those waters. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t terrified of the process and the uncertainty ahead. The future would look different than I had planned, but our new future could be just as wonderful as the one I’d dreamed up. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad and didn’t grieve the loss of the outcome I had hoped for.
With a very heavy heart, we headed down the path of walking away from the financial ruins. I found an attorney, filed the massive amounts of paperwork to declare bankruptcy, and let our home go back to the bank. It was devastating to my pride - being called to a new level of humility. I now know it was absolutely the right next step, but I was flying on faith when I took it. It was a fresh start financially, but it took years to fully feel the relief to my core.
More than a decade has passed since those long harrowing nights, trying to solve an impossible problem instead of counting sheep. In that time, I have accepted responsibility, forgiven myself, rebuilt my finances, gained security, sought knowledge and embraced the imperfect journey that is life. So much more was gained than lost in the process. Full transparency - I’m still hesitant to buy a house, but we’ve always gotta have an issue to work on. Maybe I’ll be brave about that when I get to the beach?
To those who are struggling financially in these crazy upside-down times, I see you. I know it’s hard and it really sucks right now, but I promise you there will be light again. Those who might be judging you are not your people. Society is quick to shame those they are afraid of becoming, and most are just one step away from their world falling apart too. Be open and ready for the unusual answers when you least expect them and they will come. I hope finally sharing my untold story brings you a little bit of comfort and a whole lotta hope.
Oh, and that shortie of mine who really did need the new undies…I was honest with him about the situation at the time, at a level he could understand and without being alarmist. Not only did he survive wearing holey chonies for a few weeks of middle-school, but he has grown into a financially secure and responsible young adult. I’m calling that a win!