Living in Limbo
Limbo - I am so not a fan! The hardest type of uncertainty for me to endure has always been living in a state of limbo - a period of awaiting a decision or resolution of some kind. Hoping for a job offer after a big interview, waiting to hear if you were admitted to that college program or to find out if your kid made the squad. Even more intense - for your baby’s fever to finally break, for your house to sell, for the end to a legal issue, or for relief from a financial crisis. Sometimes limbo is living through a transition - you are in the process of getting a divorce, caring for a dying loved one, or trying to figure out what is going on with your own health mystery. The lack of control over the process or the outcome when we are living in limbo can leave us feeling scared, anxious and full of doubt. Our minds endlessly running through “what if” scenarios, energy being drained and losing sleep.
Sometimes, how long you have to wait for answers is already known - you’ll have your answer by this Friday or next month. Other times, the doubt and worry can be even more excruciating, because you have no idea when the state of limbo will resolve. I have never professed to be a patient person and the waiting, for me, is very uncomfortable. I find myself trying to figure out how I can hurry the process along, politely pushing a little harder on those who might know something, “just checking in” to make sure t’s are crossed and i’s are dotted, and praying for the process to speed up and resolve already.
The hardest part for me about living in limbo is the inability to plan ahead, due to the uncertainty of timing and outcome. I want to know what the path ahead looks like, so I can map out the journey. Life has taught me that I can do anything I put my mind to, really hard things. I can get us from here to there successfully and with as little road rash as possible, but I’ve got to be able to plot the steps along the way. I crave dates and times, logistics all figured out and lists made. Making sure the pace is sustainable and we do things in order and at the right time. Its one of my superpowers - to strategically lay out a plan for what lies ahead, putting pen to paper, making sure we’re informed and prepared! It’s perfectly okay if we have to bust out the white-out and make a pivot - when a boulder appears and we have to find a work-around or we hit a speed-bump and get delayed or we try something and it fails, requiring us to go to plan B. That’s all good - I am flexible that way. But to be living in limbo and not able to plan, for me that is a really tough space to be in.
Enduring this pandemic has strengthened my dislike of living in limbo, but I am being forced to get better at it! I have cried many angry tears over rescheduled and cancelled plans. Have been very frustrated with how things seem to change on a dime. Have expended way too much energy on hating that we can’t plan with any level of assurance we will actually be able do the thing!
However, I am also someone who always finds the silver lining. So in learning to live with limbo, I am getting to discover new ways of thinking about planning for what lies ahead. I surround myself with brilliant people and during one particularly enlightening conversation recently, some different strategies and thoughts became my new approach. Instead of having to do additional work to reschedule or endure the disappointment of a cancellation, maybe we just don’t plan so far out? Maybe we make a list of everything we’d like to do in the coming months, but resist putting hard dates on them and do them in random order, when the circumstances allow. I am embracing the white space on the calendar, appreciating what that means for my creativity, growth and self-care.
Working toward a feeling of acceptance about living in limbo has been and will continue to be a process for me. I am choosing to surrender the need to plan on multiple fronts and instead, embrace the uncharted path ahead. There will always be states of limbo in our lives, this recent round is just longer and more volatile than most. I’ve been a hardwired planner for half a century, but you’re never too old to learn a new way of being. I have written “The plan is not to plan” on my bathroom mirror - because that is the real stretch for me and I need the obvious reminder. Accepting what we hold no power over is hard work, but also a powerful pivot in mindset. Living in limbo only gets to terrorize me as long as I let it. Those days are over!