Loss Upon Loss
It is a unique experience every time you lose someone you love. If they were sick for a long time, there are the conflicting emotions of exhausted defeat and relieved peace, knowing they aren’t suffering any more. If they were older and lived a long full life, there are many happy memories but still the desire to hear that favorite story they loved to tell, just one more time. If they were little and just learning what life is all about, being given such a short time here on earth makes no logical sense and leaves an endless list of all we’ll never get to experience with them. If you didn’t know them personally, but they were an inspirational presence in your life you miss the positive influence and daily dose of sunshine. If there was no chance to say goodbye because they left suddenly, accidentally or tragically, we are side-swiped and stunned…full of “if only” wishes and so many unanswered questions. In all these situations, you feel their absence and have to learn to maneuver through life with them no longer in it. That is anything but easy.
There is no one right way to grieve, yet so many people have strong opinions on how others are doing it wrong. The list of emotions we go through is extensive, all of which are valid and move through us in unpredictable waves. We think we’re past a phase or feeling and then it returns, sometimes because of a clear trigger and other times out of the blue. The path we take through the grieving process is different for each of us and unlikely to be the same with every death we experience. Most of us are unlucky enough to have a few stories to tell - and every version of how we handled death is okay. We are perfectly imperfect, especially when dealing with loss.
Some people seemingly move beyond their loss rapidly and resume life much as it was or make big changes quickly. For others, they may linger a little longer before finding a new normal. For a few, it takes way more time than those around them think it should. Most going through loss appreciate the extra support, understanding and kindness shown while in the thick of it. Often though, it is when the noise dies down and the crowds disperse that it gets too quiet and the pain of loss becomes louder. The shock wears off and the reality sets in. You are still here. There is life left to live on the other side of loss, a life without that special person physically here with you.
No one should have to go through these tough feelings alone, although that is what some say they prefer to do. No one should be made to feel bad about how they go about grieving or how long it takes them to move back to fully functional. Sometimes though, coping mechanisms become unhealthy and additional professional support could be beneficial. Friends and family can come off as completely absent or uncaring and judgmental when sensitive subjects like therapy or moving on are brought up, by those who are genuinely concerned - causing more layers of pain and potentially the loss of additional relationships. People reveal their true colors in times of stress - they show you who they are, believe them! Dealing with death is tricky for those of us left behind…its uncomfortable to talk about and painful to witness the aftermath. Even thought it is a fact of life, knowing that doesn’t make it easier to handle.
Already this year I have lost my sweet aunt, a beloved sister-friend and a guy who was instrumental in my personal growth adventure. When you have yet to integrate how the loss of one beautiful soul has altered your world and then you get hit with the death of another, and another…you can’t catch your breath. It becomes a whole lot to process, sit with and wade through. Grief is ultimately a solo walk, even when others are grieving along side you. The tough days and unexpected gut-punch moments unfortunately still really suck, even when some amazing humans in your life get what it is to support you in appropriate and helpful ways. Loss upon loss is it’s own special kind of hard. It has been said that bad things come in threes. I am choosing to believe that is my truth for a while, at least as it pertains to losing people I love.
In order to function in a season of multiple losses, I have learned to take things down to the basics. Be excessively kind to yourself. Listen to what you need in the moment. Get in or near water - it’s magical. Eat nutrient rich foods. Pray, if you believe. Take naps. Ask for hugs. Go on a walk. Talk it out. Sit in the sun. Cry. Read. Do a puzzle. Stay hydrated. Scream into your pillow. Light a fire, inside or out. Color. Stand barefoot in the grass. Call a friend, or your therapist. Wear your undies, a flannel and fuzzy sox. Journal. Essentially, anything and all the things that soothe your nervous system. Do the bare minimum that you have to do (work, volunteering, other obligations, etc.), outside of taking care of yourself. Keep it simple and then…
When the fog starts to lift and you see glimmers through the clouds, inhale deeply and step softly forward - just one little stride at a time. It might be one step forward and two steps back, but it’s how you gain momentum which brings progress toward fully living again. When I stumble from the weight of this most recent round of grief or I don’t feel like being brave without them, I close my eyes and imagine what one or all of them might have said to me in the moment. Their words are golden and like a salve to my broken heart. I also remember - they loved me back! That’s all I need to know to take the next step toward healing, from loss upon loss.